I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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