I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
