and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
