after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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