Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
