i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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