You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize