Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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