peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize