I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
