Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
