You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
