I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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