I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
