I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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