so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
