Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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