she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
