I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
