and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
