my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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