By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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