Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
