operation harelip BJ is a go
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
