She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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