from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
