Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
