dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
