end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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