I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
