Where is the hickey?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
