Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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