He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
