My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Text me some of your sweat
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
