I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
