Who did Billy Mays play for?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
