When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
