when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
