Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
