i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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