well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
