I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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