They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize