My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
