Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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