You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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