I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
