I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
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