Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
