Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
