This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
