Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
