i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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