walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
