She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
