Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
