I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
