Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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