Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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