It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
