I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
