He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
