I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
