my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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